Elements are dead boring. Most of them, at least.

The four elements I think are boring are earth, air, fire and water, and the passingly similar five phases known as fire, water, wood, air and metal.

It’s worth noting, though, that there are some more interesting variations. There’s a fifth western element, aether, that is the element stars are made of, although interesting the Ayurveda and Godai also have this element, but here it’s sometimes translated void. The four humours are the biggest departure from typical elements: bile (both yellow and black), blood and phlegm. My point is more that humans, across all cultures, have come up with an astoundingly dull set of common elements. That means there must be some kind of truth to them?

“No, fool, humans are wrong of course.”

The Elves Are Right

“We elves are, as all know, made of starlight, but of course not only starlight! We’d be intangible, don’t be silly. Also Goddess-breath, Sapling-Warmth, and most importantly: The Sharpness of a Blade.”

Visible only as it turns, as light glints off its infinite facets. If bathed in light, you percieve it as an infinite kaleidoscope of blades. 8 HD, AC 17, Attacks: 2 x blades (2d6) or Whirlwind. Whirlwind: All creatures within 10’ must save or take 3d6 damage. This ability can be used once every 1d4 rounds. Immune to Non-Magical Weapons: Only magic weapons or spells can harm it. Shredding Aura: Any creature that hits it with a melee attack takes 1d6 slashing damage from its whirling blades.

“Lol, no.”

The Skraaaaven Are Right

“Oh, yeah, we’re made from this muck” He picks his nose and shoes the green gob to you, “And the like. Useful, it is. Not so much the blood, but snot and bile, yeah?”

The smell of vinegar and fish, precedes this coagulated yellow-and-black humanoid. 4 HD, AC 16, Attacks: 2 x slam 1d6 or Corrosive Spray. Corrosive Spray: Spew a putrid wave bile. If you’re caught in it, save or take 3d6 damage and be begin retching violently for 1d4 rounds. While you’re retching, you have disadvantage on attack rolls and saving throws. This ability recharges in 1d4 rounds. Amorphous: The elemental can squeeze through tight spaces like an ooze. Destructive: Non-magical weapons that strike are 50% likely to be weakened by 1 die size. They break when reduced below 1d4.

“Eww, yuk. Of course not —”

The Halflings Are Right

“There aren’t too many halfling philosophers, we’re far to busy for that kind of thing. Oh, I suppose we’re made of hearty laughter, good meals and…pipe smoke? Ha ha ha you’re so silly”

First you smell spice, and wood. Then, your vision, is a little obscured. And then you see its’ eyes: The faint red glow of a pipe-bowl. 6 HD, AC 16, Attacks: Smothering Cloud. Smothering Cloud: All creatures within 20′ must save or take 2d4 damage and be unable to act for 1d4 rounds. This ability can be used once every 1d4 rounds. Insubstantial: Non-magical weapons pass through it harmlessly. Wind Vulnerability: A strong wind disperses the elemental for 1d6 rounds.

“Skssss don’t be absssssurd, smoke? Ha!”

The Ghouls Are Right

“Crrrrrk. Doooo ayyyye look like I’m maade of fiiiire t’you? Naaaaah. Just flesssh, electricity and formaaaldehyde”.

Choking reek of antiseptic. Imagine if a ghoul was swollen to twice the size, after being submerged in some kind of thick, gelatinous fluid, which it oozed from its’ pores. 8 HD, AC 16, Attacks: 2 x toxic slam (1d6) or Preserving Fume. Preserving fume: Release a cloud of toxic vapors. All in the room must save or their eyes burn and lungs seize, causing paralysis for 1d4 rounds. This ability recharges in 1d4 rounds. Embalming Touch: Any creature reduced to 0 HP by the elemental is instantly preserved, its body stiff and unrotting, immune to decay and Raise Dead spells. Highly Flammable: Fire attacks deal double damage, and if it dies by fire, there is a 50% chance it will explode causing 5d6 damage in a 15′ radius.

“What? Ah! No. Disgusting, unnatural things.”

The Orcs Are Right

“Ha ha ha! No, for us Orcs there is no hope for mercy or justice or order, the rich juices of red meat wine, the love of brotherhood, and the mad exultation of battle.”

Just the biggest, happiest, drunkest orc you’ve ever seen, but he has 4 arms, each wielding a laughing axe. 9 HD, AC 17, Attacks: 4 x Mad Swings (1d6), or Rapturous Aura. Rapturous Aura: All creatures in sight of the elemental must save or be forced to attack the nearest creature (friend or foe) for 1d4 rounds if an enemy, or gain +2 to attack or damage for 1d6 if an ally. Battle-blooded: When it reduces any foe to 0 HP, it gains 1d6 HP.

Note: The astute among you may notice that my orc is just quotes from Conan. Thanks, Robert E Howard.

My point: Elements aren’t boring, when they’re subjective. If you’re stuck for a Blog Bandwagon this weekend, please, make a few subjective cultural elementals, and link back to me.

Idle Cartulary

P.S. This is my contribution to the February Blog Bandwagon. Prismatic Wasteland will eventually round them all up, and I’ll link that here.

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